My relationship with anniversaries is a funny thing.
Together for nearly eight years, Scotty and I now have three anniversaries to celebrate. We met awkwardly in April of 2004 in Montreal—we’d seen each other’s profiles on the internet but were both far too cheap to bother spending any money in order to contact one another, no matter how charming we sounded. Months later we ran into each other at an indie show. It only took me an hour to work up the courage to awkwardly approach him. So, y’know… we went ahead and fell in love and moved to Toronto. We eloped in October of 2009 at the County Administration Building of San Diego. It was nine a.m. on a Thursday. The secretary took the form we filled out, ducked down behind the counter, popped up in a judge’s smock, and boom—we were hitched. Over high-fives we proceded to acquire brunch, and then by 11 am, Scott went to work. Yup, a couple of kooky romantics. And, of course, we finally partied it up in the most love-filled, crazy, multiday way in May of this year, just so all our friends would have a grand excuse to bask in the drunken Scottish accents of Scott’s family (yes, he was born in Scotland, and they named him Scott—crazy, or crazyawesome? You decide!) and he’d have an excuse to wear a kilt.
Well, all this lead-up is to announce that I am finally ready to share with you all the glorious ridiculousness of these very events. Five months delayed, but better later than never, I am happy to finally share our wedding shenanigans. It was three days of scheduled celebrations, so, today I share with you day one. Shot by the talented party animal that is James Moes, our Hitchin’ Hootenanny was a Saturday parkside cookout of parades and dance lessons and crafts and piñatas and live gypsy jazz and all sorts of tomfoolery. I know this blog is probably meant to be all about my photography… but I think we can make a big ol’ exception here for James’ wonderful work. The following is an awfully awesome (and a little lengthy) visual account of day one, followed by some of my additional learnings and thoughts on marriage.
I shot the above image myself—almost everything else is from James!
As many close friends already know… I was never too jazzed about the idea of getting married. I always thought I wasn’t the type. I always had reservations about why some people get married and doubted the value of it. It’s true—I’d have been perfectly content being together forever without a certificate to grant us official permission (sidenote: if anyone else has ever felt that kind of doubtful reservation, I strongly recommend the book Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert). Scott is a traditionalist, however, and over time, I realized that if it was important to him, and we would do it up *our* way, ignoring what norms might be expected of us… I was in. I decided I saw a chance—to essentially co-opt marriage, adopting a tradition but subverting it until it became something quite fresh and new.
Now that all the hullabaloo is all over and done with, I can say I have grown to understand and appreciate the whole thing in a new way. I feared for years the notion that marriage inherently represents the sacrificing of one’s identity, in favor of sharing an identity with someone else. But I have found that for me, this kooky union we have has actually offered growth and learning—lots of learning. Instead of feeling forced to forfeit part of myself I have learned instead more about myself—even how to be more myself. As someone who has been shooting weddings heavily now, this perspective has allowed me to connect to clients in a completely different way.
So, I guess my current conclusion, two years into a marriage, and eight years into a relationship—marriage is an opportunity. An opportunity that I think some people may unfortunately waste… and that may have affected my perception of it for many years. I am still learning the ropes (I think Scott would certainly attest to that). But marriage isn’t something we conform to or tolerate. Marriage turns out to be something unique and interesting: something very alive, that we can shape and change and add to. It is not even a language that we are learning—no, it is a language we are creating.
Thanks for bearing with me for this crazy, long post. You can look forward to less talk and more photographs from day two (our retro cocktail shindig) of our wedding festivities in the next couple of days. If you’d care to share a bit about the language you are creating in your marriage or relationship, or just how you’ve subverted the tradition, I am all sorts of curious.
Tags: apple pie, BBQ, bunting, chalkboard art, climbing trees, cookout, crafts, DIY, flags, gypsy jazz band, handmade, James Moes, life lessons, marriage, our wedding, parade, parties, piñata, vintage, wisdom
Whoo hoo — love this post, Jasmine! I got married a few months ago so I especially loved reading your thoughts about marriage. And your photog did such a great job at capturing your happiness and joy.
Beautiful pictures! I am more of the traditionalist when it comes to getting married since my husband didn’t mind either way. But when it came down to wedding planning, I did it my way. I broke from tradition and created something I knew we both would love. Even though I got so much criticism mainly from family members for not going the traditional wedding route (e.g. not wearing a white dress, not having a cake, etc.), everyone ended up loving it and having a blast.
One thing a friend told me is that a wedding is for one day, but a marriage is a life time. It’s so true. And it requires a lot of work, nurturing and growth.
yes yes yes i am learning this too: “I feared for years the notion that marriage inherently represents the sacrificing of one’s identity, in favor of sharing an identity with someone else. But I have found that for me, this kooky union we have has actually offered growth and learning—lots of learning. Instead of feeling forced to forfeit part of myself I have learned instead more about myself—even how to be more myself.”
it’s like reading a page from my diary, but more well written!
gorgeous wedding, and thanks for sharing.
Aw, you guys are already making my day by sharing your perspectives. Thank you! And, of course, much appreciation for happy thoughts about this day that was so very happy, too. Yay!
I love this! What beautiful photos and a beautiful love story! Kevin & I have been together for 8 years (officially on this past Oct 4) and its a great amount of time to be with someone
Of course, we just got married but I love your take on it! Thanks for sharing.
I loved how you shared your thoughts about this…I’ve been married 12 years now – I think more people should be as thoughtful…marriage changes always, it grows, it is never the same as it started, but when you do it right, it is so, so worth it. I love these pictures. They just made my day.
Facebook led me here, and I’m SO GLAD it did. Your write up on marriage is something I wish everyone could see.
I did the traditional, expected marriage and that didn’t work out for me. I jumped in way too fast! Before getting married a second time (I’m an expert now,apparently), I had all sorts of doubts, cold feet, what if’s. I was scared and interrogated my poor fiance at the time about his own definition of marriage, goals, dreams, etc. I had to redefine marriage for myself before I could do it again. I love that you were hesitant and really thought about the meaning behind the word before you made that committment. Speaking of, I want to pick up that book you suggested. Thanks for the brilliant post!! (and Congratulations again!)
Seeing these photos again and reading your words just put a grand smile back on my face. I had the most wonderful time at your wedding extravaganza. I never smiled so much and it is wonderful to smile seeing your blog.
What a fantabulous time I/we all had and what a fantabulous daughter and son-in-law I have! xoxo
Awww. You guys are just the cutest! And I love James Moes’ work, so awesome you guys hired him.
Chris and I have been married for a little over 5 years now, and it wasn’t really until after we got married and I started mingling with other married or super-long-term couples that I realized that, just by goin’ about our own thang, we were subverting traditional standards.
I mean, hyphenating my last name was a no-brainer… It’s not all that uncommon these days but it definitely strikes some folks as odd. But if you really wanna talk about suvertin’ the machine, Chris and I have talked numerous times about how we might not ever have kids. It’s never an argument or a debate, either, just an occasional check-in with each other to see if we’re both still in the same place. And we always are.
Get married and don’t have kids? Doesn’t get less tradish than that.
And then there’s other things where I’m just like… “What do you mean you guys share ALL YOUR MONEY?” Dude, this is the 21st freakin’ century, yo!
To me, nothing would be more boring than to marry someone and have them become your WHOLE WORLD – share EVERYTHING, do EVERYTHING together, only go out TOGETHER, etc. I know for some people, that is exactly why they get married. And that’s cool. I can honestly say that Chris truly is my B(F!)FF. But the only reason why I got married is because I found someone who felt exactly how I did about the whole mess of a thing!
Love your guys’s love story. Can’t wait to see more from the big days.
I can’t thank you all enough for your thoughts!
Meg—I can’t tell you how cool it was for me to be able to partake in your celebration: it was so you two and so perfect. Yay!
Jen—I couldn’t agree more: you hit it on the head. Marriage is a constantly evolving and changing thing. When people don’t embrace this idea or when they resist this, it is when often I think they become unhappy in their marriages.
Marlo—YES, redefining is a great word to use. I think people just end up kind of falling into these things an awful lot. But when you pause and actually make a choice and are very conscious about why you do something, I think it is always a positive thing—across the board, not just in marriage. And I seriously recommend that book. Really well-written and engaging, but also helped me to be able to verbalize a little more clearly on my reasoning for distrusting the whole idea, and then helped me to verbalize on my change of heart.
Mom—I hope tomorrow’s post brings as much delight!
Kim—good on you for the hyphenation. I think people need to do what feels right. For me—I never had any interest in taking his name because I always felt like it was quite a bizarre notion to suddenly have to shift my identity in favor of someone else’s after living for thirty years with my own name. Always felt like a very strange idea. Scotty and I did discuss it early on, throwing some crazy ideas out: should we make up a new name to share? Should we try to combine our last names (oh my god, Fitzleishman? Leishwilliam? I don’t think so). In the end, I largely felt the idea of any kind of name change didn’t bring anything to the table for me. Scott being a traditionalist may have been a little disappointed about that initially… but I was always pretty firm: “I am going to very much keep my name and be just as in love and committed to you as ever.”
I really agree with you overall about a lot of what you said. I do have a hard time wrapping my brain around people who come at marriage from that kind of perspective. But I have to bear in mind that those people may have needs I don’t, and in fact, may have very different goals and intentions for marriage. So be it. Let’s all just do it our own ways, right?! Your comment brings to mind a vague quote—the full [glorious] catastrophe. I love our little catastrophe of a life, a love, an adventure. Here’s to catastrophic happiness.
i really like your wedding. like, like like your wedding. maybe even love. i might just love it.
Wow, this is one of the most joyous occasions I’ve ever seen photos of- the joy oozes out of all of these shots! And lady, you are simply gorgeous!
Love reading about your idea of marriage, and seeing how epic your day(s) was(ere).
Ooh girl, we totally went down the make-up-a-new-name-altogether road, too. Fortunately, none of us were really feeling the Smiller vibe, haha.
he most adorable fun wedding celebration i have seen in some time! it is pure happiness. and love your yellows. xo!
Thanks so much, ladies and gents. It warms me to be able to share these with you all!
You look so deliciously happy! Congratulations!!!!
This warmed the cockles of my heart. Not least because that looks like my kinda wedding – nontraditional, fun, informal mingling with loved ones, and to hell with whatever anyone thinks. I especially love the photos of you rolling around in the ivy!
DH and I were married in Gibraltar, with an evening reception in Spain. I wore a coral red tea dress for the ceremony, and a pink lengha (Indian wedding skirt) with a gold sequinned top. We did it very much *our* way, and loved every minute of it.
I never thought I would get married either, but life has a funny way of turning out. (I’m so glad I did.)
Congratulations to you both on 8 years, 2 years, and a fabulous shindig!
Can we take a moment to talk about how fantastic your hair and freckles are?! I mean really… they’re stellar.
Thanks immensely, you lovelies.
Lauren—Your wedding sounds like amazement and magic. I wish I could have been there to photograph it! I hope oh-so much that there are photographs out on the internet of this magic that I can see. Life sure does have a funny way of being lifey. I accept your congrats and return them!
Becka—You are too, too kind. Seriously. I’m all shucksy and stuff, now! But, I must say—you should have seen my hair on day two!
[...] excited to finally share it. This was part of the lead-up to our wedding, which you may remember seeing here and also here (it was a two-day bonanza!). Instead of throwing ourselves bachelor or bachelorette [...]